


Paincrazy

by firelakie



Series: Minutiae Essays [1]
Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-03
Updated: 2010-12-03
Packaged: 2017-10-13 12:18:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/137261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firelakie/pseuds/firelakie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Weird POV from Howie about a kiss from AJ.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Paincrazy

**Author's Note:**

> From the Minutiae Essays.

This was my portal. He stole from me.

That essence of everything I couldn't be and was not--stripped of me.

Bringing forth who I was aware of within.

What was chipping away at him was seizing what I knew of me.

And it scared me.

I wanted it to stop. To end.

But would I be afraid of what was left when it did?

How could I deal?

Against my will he brought me out. Subjected me to this experience.

Then he ceased altogether.

The pleasant warmth was gone.

My exposure,that open sore healed with new skin.

Floodgates latched shut securely.

Like I wasn't taken from zero to sixty so forcefully.

Like he hadn't slit the bag, put his pinky in and tasted my soul.

He turned away from me. "Sorry," he said, clearing his throat.

Thoughts weren't going to cross his mind of how significant this was I knew. It might just fall into his short term memory and be forgotten.

Or vividly come across as a drunken action.

I couldn't help but harbor hope of more.

I always wanted something more.

We all want what we can't have.

To say it all, my confession, I wouldn't know where to begin or where to end.

What was I hiding?

What I was hiding he made me see

What I was hiding from was me

I was a fake.

And he was right . . . I couldn't save him.

I had to save myself.

 

In order to see the light there must first be darkness.

And I was comfortable with my book of matches.

He poured gasoline and threw a lantern at me, forcing the midnight out in a blink.

But I was back in my blackness holding on with a tiny flame glowing against it all.

Hopes of returning to the inferno frightened me.

Lighting one fire from my matchbook was just enough.

Just enough to keep me hanging

Til I decide to move on.

Still life is a kaleidoscope changing colors every day.

You see yourself floating above the changes

The truth to you.

Problem is, you see the person you don't like

who you've become

Who has taken over the you you tried to conceal

And it scares you.


End file.
